The Events of our
lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves,
they find their own order
Eudora Welty
When a person gets the urge to
write, with a zillion thoughts being pumped through my brain like cars speeding
through the streets of New York City, where do you start? I don’t like black
ink. My only friend these past few
months has been Jose Cuervo. I was at
the lowest point of my life, the point where you try to see your future and you
see nothing but a vast emptiness. The
only thing to keep me going was a single thought; “This will not last forever,
you will be happy again, you will be sane again”. Discomfort along with happiness these
feelings will fill your being to extremes and then release you onto your next
lesson to be learned. In the past year,
more within the past six months, I entered a stage in life of complete
dissatisfaction. I have felt loneliness,
love, remorse, self- contemplation, mourning, loss, and renewal. I gave up but continued to hurtle myself into
the next day. I laughed, I loved, I
cried, and I shed pieces of my soul like a snake’s skin. I stood empty yet filled with emotion deep in
quiet solitude for only a few months even though each day I felt like
dying. What was I doing? Where was I
going? Why am I so black and white? I’m
ready for my next shot.
Change. I despise and welcome you, as threatening as
change is. I was angry and upset. I was
crawling out of my skin again. If I
could describe what taking place was, my soul if I have one was a huge lump of
Mercury, silver liquid, and each step I took I could feel it oozing slowly
dripping. I am sure I left a trail of it
everywhere I walked, everywhere I sat to think.
The beach, the blue, the green, and the blue. Sun setting, the orange; how wonderful, the
hot hot orange and red. It will be
miserable tomorrow. I walked for miles
in the sand; the dripping of mercury, the waves, the sand, and more sand. I thought some more, quiet, serene, and the
loneliness. It began to rain. As it sprinkled I walked and the sand stuck
to my clothing now. I sat there in the
dunes, in the beach grass and it rained harder.
I was soaked with my hair in clumpy strands it stuck to my face. I began my two mile walk back to
civilization, wet, cold, and sandy. I
walked, shedding that mercury. If I had
opened my mouth to speak I was positive the only thing that would escape was a
horrific screech. I imagined that
violent release leaving my being at supersonic speeds. I envisioned the landscape around me
shattering as the screech passed by and after everything crumbled around me
floating into nothingness I would be left watching in the blackness. I would be left there with my lonely
contemplation and nowhere to go. I
remained silent for three entire months.
I welcomed every chance I had to truly be alone. I needed to know myself. I needed answers to my past and I needed a vision
for my future, solitude. I pushed all
human contact away. I needed to be
alone, I needed to scream, and I needed myself.
I was searching for spirituality and I was searching for
understanding. To understand myself and
this planet I live on. I accepted kali,
the Goddess of death and change. I felt
her breathing down my neck. I have been
feeling her for a very long time but I refused to give into her before, but
now, now I am standing here face to face with the inevitable. I am no longer scared. I am no longer running as her arms stretched
out to greet me. Closing my eyes, I
smelled her breath hot and horrible.
Devour me now, Chew my flesh, chew my bones and lick every last drop of
my blood. I welcome the excretion of my
being from her bowels, renew me, I thank and welcome you for this. Change.
I now recognize my past and how this effects my future. I recognize
myself, what I already knew and what I have learned. Sorrow.
The best advice I could ever
give is to know yourself. To truly know
yourself is a divine gift, one that nobody can take away. To look past everything you have ever known,
dig deep, and don’t be afraid. I embrace the chances I get to sit in complete
solitude. How do you affect other
people? How do you affect society and what do you contribute to the world
around you? Why are you here? I do not believe in coincidence, especially
when it involves the people I meet and know. I used to think that I needed
people and it’s true everyone needs people, you can’t move forward in your life
without them. Think of all the people
you have ever known, the good, the bad, and the ugly. You have needed each of these people to
learn, to learn about yourself and to propel you into the world and into your
future. Every single person you have
ever spoken to you have needed and just Maybe you have known before. We need each other.
I have recently learned that I
love to dance. I love learning about
different cultures, I love learning new languages. My communication skills and understanding of
this world are evolving uniquely. I am
grateful for this. I understand I will
never be happy with or accept the 9-5, the white picket fence, the 1.5
children, because this is not me. This
is not why I am here. My heart and
intuition guide me and I follow. I am
loyal, trustworthy, and I cherish my few friends. I love to be funny and I love to laugh. I love to make you laugh. I see through
fakeness and I am a great judge of character.
I am a human compass. I am so
insecure yet might be one of the strongest humans you will ever meet. I am
determined and ambitious. I will be
brutally honest if it will help you. I
will never hurt you on purpose so tell me if I do otherwise I will not
know. I love deeply and appreciate
imperfections. I love the freckle under
your eye. Be as human as possible
because I adore the gesture. If I let
you into my little world it will be very hard to let you go. I will cherish and adore you but please don’t
hurt me because I will never forgive you.
I try not to show emotion and if I do be grateful you were able to
experience it. I do nothing half assed
in any aspect of my life. In any kind of
relationship I need all of you because I am giving you all of myself. The worst feeling in the world is being crestfallen,
the best feeling is falling in love. To
look into your lover’s eyes and trust they are falling in love with you
also. The first soft kiss, to just lay
and joke and make each other laugh for hours.
The new discoveries when you think you know them and to find something
you never noticed about them before. The
mutual understanding, caring, admiration, lust, respect and you can’t get
enough of that person. When you are
apart, to constantly think about that person and know they are thinking of you
too. To search for each other just to
make eye contact when you are with other people, to listen to their heart
beating, head on their chest, beating and it’s the only sound you care about. How great it was to first meet and how great
it is to know them better than they know themselves. Adore all of the imperfections because those
imperfections make that person so perfect to you. The mutual understanding, so rare and hard to
find yet we let these things go to grasp a future that seems unobtainable with
them. Why?
I like honey. I like sweet tea. I love to cook. I love company. I love making people happy. I love to make people feel loved. I will stand up for my friends but I will
stand up for myself 10 times more. I believe
in me. I believe in Love. I am too passionate. I am extremely passionate. I can’t do anything without full effort and
care. I don’t like French fries. I can’t tolerate cheating and liars. I despise people who say one thing and do
another. I despise people who use others
to make themselves feel better. I could
never use a person because I am too fragile to be used. I believe in karma…
Narcissist Problems
Memoirs of a Scapegoat
Memoirs of a Scapegoat
I
wish I could apologize for what the world has brought.
I
wish my tears could cleanse you of all the hurt you have felt.
Such
an innocent smile, I wish I could have saved you.
You
were always happy by default.
The
only tears you knew were those of a scrapped knee.
I’m
sorry for the years, I wish I could have preserved you;
In
your tiny sun dress.
I’m
sorry I exposed you to them,
The
criticism was worse than UV rays.
I
could have stopped them but you needed to grow.
You
had no idea what the future held,
Your
innocent mind explored everything.
Each
day you moved forward you had no clue.
You
trusted everyone and I let everyone hurt you.
They
opened up your unknowing soul.
“I
love you” was a hug but today I see you get tense by hearing these words.
When
you learned to read, Remember Green Eggs and ham?
You
would read to anyone willing to listen.
You
caught frogs and built tree houses in summer.
Look
at what they have done to you, did I mention that I’m sorry?
Each
unwanted word is like being lashed
Tense
muscles, nervous breakdown, on Zoloft.
Trying
to escape a body you once enjoyed,
I’m
sorry
